I don’t know what is wrong with me.
One minute I am fine…the next, I am in a coffee shop and a song comes on. It sounds just like my daughter – and I start to cry. She is even in town right now – not far away – and I am losing it.
It’s not so mysterious when I think about it ….when I let myself think about it. Which I try not to do. I guess I had some mistaken notion that I could PREP for this, maybe even totally avoid – The Empty Nest. Bolster myself with plans and travel and things to do, maybe a house to sell…paint a million paintings, get another dog – get down to the business of doing all the things I can do now.
But here is the honest truth.
This is Harder than it looks. No one wants to talk about it. It’s too sad and up and down and all over the place so very very personal and good and bad and guilt ridden with feeling unappreciative for what I have.
I could spend 30 minutes on Instagram and find a 1000 photos of pregnant women, babies, so many babies, and adorable kids – even Moms who are overwhelmed – newborn announcements and 41 week pregnancies that have gone on too long. I even saw a baby get born the other day (that was a surprise and I am still not sure how I felt about it, it made me uncomfortable.)
Just So much Sweetness and Excitement and Anticipation.
But I often wonder – where are the Aging moms with mascara down their face? Where are all the other ones like “me”? How come I never see a beautiful photo with a comment about walking into your house – and no one is there – just the ghosts. Do we just not talk about it? Are we just too sad and trying to get on with our lives, find the NEXT thing – stay busy. Or do we want so BAD to be okay with it that we wish away the sadness.
Like I said, I’ll be fine in 20 minutes.
It’s just harder than it looks.