On 8-8-96 my firstborn son was born and I became a MOM.
It was the happiest day of my life. It was a day I had dreamed of for as long as I could remember. And…just like they say…I could never have imagined the depths of the love that I felt for this tiny little boy…the baby I had only just met…but felt I had known all my life
They warned me..”It will go fast”…but they always say that. I had a handle on it…for about a day..
And then off it went, his life, the days, the moments, captured in photos Thank Goodness, but replaced the very next hour or day with another amazing feat. Another milestone. all of the “FIRSTS” I remember being dumbfounded and I confess, a little disappointed, when my Mom could not pinpoint exactly when I rolled over..or perhaps she would remember…but then correct herself and say..”Oh no…wait..maybe that was your brother?” How could she not remember every single one of these miracles????
…..and then I parented an ACTUAL child, not the tiny baby in my imagination, but a beautiful big eyed boy who arrived fully formed and just needed me not to muck it up.
I found this photo above this morning and it is only now that I see exactly why I am so happy took it….Yes, he looks cute but See the little thing Tate has in his hand? It was/is the top of a small Winnie the Pooh ceramic box. He carried that top…everywhere…for weeks.He would stand at the foot of my dresser and reach up and talk his baby talk and ask me to let him hold it. He loved it…and would be sad if I took it away. I worried that he might fall and break it and be cut..you know bleed to death from a ceramic Winnie the Pooh cut….It was a moment…a very personal one…that told of my insecurities of being a new Mom and Tate’s intense love for little things…just a tiny piece of the jigsaw of his little life. The things that pass in the blink of an idea and have no significance really…but are really quite significant.
and then he was One…
I have no less than a million photos…so many good ones…cute ones and I have spent the better part of today trying to scan them into my computer and to put together a wonderful tribute to my wonderful wonderful first born son….
…I am so proud of him…of who he has grown up to be…but right now, if the truth be told…I want to go BACK and do it all again. I want to go back and hold his little hand…and KNOW he will be safe.
I want to be more patient…to Hear his little-boy voice and I want to have the faith that everything will work out okay even when things go terribly wrong…I want watch this half monkey half toddler self climb the door-jam and not race to protect him but let him touch the ceiling…
I want to be as brave as Tate…I want to go easier on him when he sticks his finger in his sisters nose or sits upon his brother…I want to laugh at his funny jokes all over again until tears roll down my cheeks…I want to see him climb into his grandfathers lap….But I cannot go back…no one can…and my job is to find a way to accept the truth…
that ….kids and puppies grow up much MUCH too fast…..
into amazing People…Young men….Happy Birthday Tate…Thank you for 18 incredible years and I get the feeling you are just getting warmed up!!!! I LOVE YOU!