old country house blog

into the nowhere

…I accidentally clicked on a blog, with a similar name as mine, but not mine. Sitting there, in cyberspace, like a chubby kid waiting to be picked for basketball, waiting since 2001. Will I be here that long? What if I don’t make the cut. Who will read this anyway and I am beginning to wonder if I actually want anyone I know TO read it. Will they be disappointed to know the real me. I imagine I will take a while to dig down, or up, however you choose to look at it, and find the real me. Like digging a tunnel with a broken plastic spoon. One miserable scratch at a time.

Today at the vet, as I was drifting off to sleep, waiting for Doctor Dan the funny man, and I say funny because he came into the room and said “How is Coco”, only we don’t have a Coco, but a Lucy, and he kind of mumbled his way out the door, pushed up his glasses and left sort of chuckling sort of saying something to himself, and he was gone a good hour. As I was sleeping, and thought I was dreaming, I heard a baby crying. I could tell it was a new baby crying, unmistakable in the urgency and the pitch, like a balloon about to pop, I could almost picture his quivering chin and his sweaty red face, his kicking feet. When I walked out, and saw his sweaty red face and his quivering chin, we were old friends. My friend says she has never met a person who loves babies more than me and she is right. I cannot imagine how anyone could love them more. Like if there was an Olympics of baby loving I know I would have had the gold medal for years and years, they might even just give me a lifetime Gold medal to let some other poor sap take home the prize. Anyway, I caught his Mom writing her check and she proudly announced “yes, we got him at 3 weeks. we adopted him!” What who where???? Was I still dreaming, was she put here to test me. I scrambled for a pen like it could save my life and maybe it would. Maybe a baby would.

Is is selfish to want one more? Should I be content with my full plate. What does it say about a person who has everything yet still yearns for more. Is it wrong? If a baby were handed to me today, this minute would I still want one? Yes, yes and yes. A. B and C. All of the above.

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