Our sweet dog Muffin died today. Phoebe and I were home and something went very wrong . A seizure maybe. But two hours earlier she had gobbled down a bowl of scrambled eggs I had made her.
We made her comfortable and petted her and brushed her and I told her she was my good girl and that I loved her. Over and over . And then she was gone .
After my husband had taken her to the vet for cremation – (that is a sentence I did not think I would be writing tonight ) I heard the “beep beep beep” of the coffee maker telling me that it was turning off – which it does automatically after 2 hrs. I had made the coffee just before I found muffin in the hall where she had collapsed and I thought – “In those two hours , I watched Muffin die”
i know from experience that this will hurt less as time passes that right now I am in the “always on the verge of tears ” phase … it does not seem real . I keep seeing her.
I remember the week we got Muffin, 12 years ago and all of us came down with the flu . My husband was out of town and one by one each of the kids was felled by the flu and then it was my turn – and I also got strep throat. And I had a tiny puppy that needed to be housebroken and getting off the sofa was impossible for any of us. At that time my oldest was 8.
All I wanted to do was sleep and I had read that if you tied a piece of yarn or string around your wrist or ankle and the other end to the puppy’s collar that when they woke up to relieve themselves , you would feel the slight tug and wake up to take them out. Except I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night not because of the tug but because I knew I was going to throw up. I was sleeping downstairs on the sofa so I would not have to go far to take baby Muffin outside. So when I jumped up to run to the bathroom I was disoriented and I also had a puppy tied to my ankle and I was trying to run and vomit and untie her at the same time. It was a mess. A pathetic mess.
I don’t know why that memory surfaced and more why I shared it except to say that I feel very much that mess right now . I am just so sad.
And I keep seeing her go.
Thank you to all those who left messages on my Facebook and Instagram . In this. Day of abbreviated and disconnected compassion – it means the world to me . It truly does.
Goodbye my sweet girl. I love you . Thank you for your unconditional love and for spending your whole life with us. We will cherish the memories forever.