I DO NOT make a habit of venting my frustrations in this blog. It makes me uncomfortable…words are powerful and I don’t want to BE the words I speak in a LOW moment. Once, in my 20’s, I spent a whole night, ripping up all of my old journals, which told the sad tales of boyfriends lost..broken hearts. Just on the off chance that one day…they would be found…and I might be defined by them.
Defined as my Sad self.
I am in the homestretch of the Kids Bathroom.Painting, caulking,sanding, and more caulking.
I am exhausted and my fingers are raw. My back is screaming at me.
I feel like, lately anyway, that my whole life is doing things and then stopping to be a Mom.
Instead of the other way around…
No ONE part of my life is getting a good version of me. I am impatient with my children and go to bed sad that I have let them down. I have not painted in 3 weeks. I have Pet Portraits waiting for me…I feel resentful and I wonder what my husband would do, if he did not work for 3 weeks.
Freak out maybe. I wonder.
In order to SAVE, I have been gopher , running to the store…gathering supplies, cleaning up the sawdust…and now I am doing all the finishing work so we can get the bathroom up and running.All I want is to PAY someone to do it. Gone, in all the raw split fingers and children telling me “You are always Mad!!!”…gone , long gone is the JOY of doing it myself.
and I have truly begin to wonder…am I too old for all of this?…or at the wrong stage of life? Even entertaining the thought gives me a rush of such sadness and resentment…and guilt
that My dreams…
or the chasing of them there-of…does not seem to gel well, with my Major role of Mother…
While My Husband has chased his dreams all along.
What would happen if I just stopped….all of it, did none of it.
Would anyone even notice or care.
If a Mom screams in the woods…does it make a sound?